There are no doubt dozens of legitimate reasons Tucker Carlson should have been rousted from his lofty media perch—some we know about and some we likely never will. For instance, he frequently offered aid and comfort to both Vladimir Putin and COVID-19 while throwing up rhetorical roadblocks to immigrants, whose only sin was bolstering our economy with their hard work and hard-earned dollars. He also corrupted an entire generation of Americans, who will now be forced to leave their grandchildren foyers full of Trumpy Bears, Franklin Mint coins, and Pall Mall-redolent MyPillows in lieu of actual inheritances.
But what’s the real reason? Good question, intrepid truth-seeker! Indeed, the real mystery here is how a character as patently loathsome as Carlson could find a job squeegeeing peep show booths, much less swaying the hearts and minds of millions of slack-jawed yobs who’d have otherwise spent their evenings bobbing for deep-fried Oreo detritus.
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